Good Grief

I find myself so thankful for the church at a time of loss. When my mother died December 10, I was shocked and in a whirlpool of grief.

I know from experience that not dealing well with grief can be injurious to a person and a family. I have seen individuals who have suffered either physical or psychological illness because of what I perceived was unresolved and not properly processed grief. Grieving is important and it is important that it be done well.

I have always thought of the funeral service as a great vehicle for dealing with grief. In my messages at a funeral or memorial service, I stress three things: honor the loved one, say “good-bye”, and celebrate the resurrection.

1) This is the time to HONOR the person deceased. Isn’t it amazing how we honor, esteem and build on all the positives of the deceased. My mother would be shocked at all the attention she received. Why in the world can we not give each other the due honor each individual created by God deserves? I guess we’re just too busy.

2) Say “Good-bye.” A formal ceremony marking the end of our relationship in this life is necessary. I have seen what happens when there is no time to say “good-bye.” People who opt for no service–“no funeral or memorial for me”–do their families a great injustice. We the living NEED a formal rite of passage. It is not about the deceased. It is about the living.

3) For me, as a Christian, the resurrection is the basis of our hope and our joy. Because of the resurrection, every funeral and every memorial service can be a “celebration.” Without the resurrection it is just a time of sorrow.

I am thankful for the church mostly because of the support the church gives to those who grieve. I have received so many fine cards and words of support. What really matters is that so many people have remembered me and my family in prayer. Wow!

Those who lose loved ones often have trouble coming back to church right away. I can understand that. The day after my mother’s death was a Sunday but I did not go to church. For one thing, I was overwhelmed with a huge “to do” list and a numb feeling I could not shake. Fact is that I simply did not want to go to church right away. But, like the difficulty of the funeral rite, returning to the community is an important element of grieving well.

In my travels to various worship experiences this past summer, I found the memorial service to be the most significant. I suspect many others find it similarly important in their relationship with God.

Meaningful Service

Sunday afternoon I attended one of the most meaningful, deeply spiritual, and uplifting services of the summer.  It was the Memorial Service at Messiah Lutheran Church for Jeffrey Mark Graff who was brutally murdered last Tuesday.

Hilda and I came to the service early knowing there would be many people attending.  At one-half hour before the beginning of the service, the pianist was playing a meaningful medley of hymns that focused on Easter, Joy, Resurrection and Faith.

Jeffry loved music and it was reflected in the service.  The 36 voice choir sang a beautiful and vibrant anthem.  There was a flutist who played a couple of times accompanied by the pianist.  The hymns were not overdone–just two printed in the worship folder.

Pastor Scott Peterson’s message was one of the most meaningful I have ever encountered.  No flowery prose but faith-based fact: murder, sin, resurrection, redemption.  All put together beautifully and based on the Gospel of Mark’s rendition of the feeding of the multitudes.

Pastors often find funerals and memorial services to be times (unlike most weddings–and sometimes Sunday mornings) when people are most open to the Gospel of Jesus.

My spirit was lifted even though I barely knew Jeffrey Graff.

Something I took away from this service is that a Memorial service on the Day of Resurrection (Sunday) is a poignant and meaningful, as well as helpful day for such a service.  I want to encourage more Memorial services on Sundays.  It is hard on the preacher–most especially if he/she had to preach in the morning–and it is challenging for musicians, but what a gift to give in honor and memory of the deceased (to say nothing of the gift of the Gospel to the hurting world infected by the drought of human sin and in need of divinely refreshing waters of hope).

I want to put the world on notice, this is the kind of service I would want for myself.  (And I suspect you would too).